So it’s been one whole sesquipedalian semester since the tennis courts and their famed net practice have had the luxury of catching a glimpse of me. Not that I don’t like paying them a visit but then the sheer monstrosity of the elitist levels of play there, is , I am forced to accept, a tad too high for me .And I am quite sure or rather I would like to believe that this feeling is very much mutual. However, a recent episode (And it would be an understatement to call it anything less than life altering) has forced me to think again. It has given a whole new dimension and meaning to the word “net practice” and though I would have liked a nap after an awesome treat at Sibani*, I am here and more eager than ever to document it as soon as possible.

I am talking of August, 2009 and calculating the time difference between that time and the present, it would be grossly unfair to expect a pointillistic narration from my part. To understand the full story in the true sense, it’s vital to make note of the details which I am presently going to elucidate.

There were 5 people excluding me here at Kharagpur that night. All school mates, four of them were from my college and one had been polite enough to make an unscheduled stop at Kharagpur en route to his college on our insistence. We had already completed our dinner at LS (Little Sisters) and two of them had got a little drunk (a modest estimation in my opinion). All six of us had managed to seat ourselves quite comfortably on the gigantic yet seemingly cozy steps leading to the main entrance of the Vikramshila complex. With a handful of Lays and a couple of 2 litre cokes in our possession, the only thing which could and actually did take place was a night long bhaat session. To save myself from grave physical complications, let’s avoid their actual names. Let’s name the Kharagpur chaps as A, B, C, D and the remaining one as X.

Now into that night…

Our conversation started with the Kgp run-of-the- mill. A guy with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes enquiring about the bandi status of the other and the person caught in the dock trying to explain at length as to why one should totally trust him when he says “I have other priorities you know…”.This, combined with loads of imbecilic laughter, was turning out into quite a night until the parley deviated towards something I have always loved to hate, i.e., undivided attention on me.

B- toh customer**, you have been unusually silent. (After a pause) You know what …you are a good guy and by virtue of this quality of yours, I feel duty-bound to give you some vital fundas about life. You should have a bandi and I am now going to tell you how to get one.

Gather around everybody (face suddenly turning mature and the tone changing into something horrendously similar to that of Nicolas Baba embedding the nuances of life in toddlers)

Haan so customer dekh, you know D and E and they are good friends of yours?

Me- yeah so…

B- and you also know their girlfriends D1 and E1 who are also friends of yours?

Me- haan ..yours too I guess.

B- bus aur kya . there’s nothing more to say. Increase your friendship with them as in try to be their confidant. Make sure that they confide everything in you.

C-customer ko tum kya funda de raha hai dog?

B- hold on …just listen to me. See Deepesh that way you will get to know more about their relationship.

Me-and why exactly would I be interested in that?

B-dumbass, you have to keep looking for the right opportunity. When you learn that their relationship is going through a rough patch , at that very moment you have to become active boss. You need to swoooooooop in (his hands taking a dive from the shoulder to the waist level in an attempt to show the swooping). Give random funda to D about D1 and the other way round as well. Swooping in at the right time is the key.

Me- so effectively you are telling me to hit on my friend’s gf who also happens to be my friend by breaking their relationship??

B-There you go, my boy (eyes almost brimming with tears). ladka samajh gaya!!!

(While what had become a complete laugh riot for others, the seriousness on B’s face was somewhat unnerving)

Me- and you expect me to break my friendship with D. I would never do that.

B-you don’t need to. If he’s a true friend, he will surely understand your scenario.

Me- come on .. D1 and E1 are ..are like my sisters

B- totally sahi hai funda bhidu. This is a foolproof mechanism of getting closer .Shower your brotherly affection on her and the rest is heaven (trying to wink)

B-dude, you are not taking me seriously. Pata hai… not hitting on girls is a crime

Me- a what?

B-yes, you heard it right. It’s totally illegal man.

Liking a girl or not is immaterial dude. You have to hit on them for your own sake. You have to do the net practice.

Me- net practice?? (Laughter giving way to curiosity)

B-haan , you have to do the net practice. Tu toh tennis bhi khelta hai… U must have done a lot of net practice there..

Me- yeah, about that…

(Interrupting me)

B- In the same way, you need to have the practice in case of girls too. Soch if Federer bina net practice kiye hue Wimbledon final pahuch jaata toh, then think of the plight he would have landed himself into. Uska toh band baj jaata. Getting my point?

Me- Go on…

B- So sometime in the future when you actually meet the girl you were always looking for, it will be the same thing as playing a Wimbledon final without any practice. Your failure then will make you think as well as regret the fact that you didn’t have adequate practice.

X- sahi bol raha hai B, man this is the truth.

B- (Seeing my unconvinced face) abey, listen to me carefully. Things like “I am not interested” and “I have other things to do” are absolutely unacceptable. The thing is that you have to do it not because you are interested in doing it. You have to do it for the one. When you finally meet the one, it would be unfair to her if you do not have enough practice. So you need to do all kinds of affairs and pataoing right now. Basically you need to do the net practice. (Tone getting louder and emotional)

Dude, you owe it to her. You owe it to the one. You can’t be unfair to her

(2 minutes of pin drop silence followed by C trying hard to kill a mosquito troubling his face. In the end, all of us thought the mosquito was dead. The mosquito thought it was not. Anyway…)

X (to B)- So are you having your net practice ?

B-(stammering) of course I am… (After a pause)

Hell No!!!Man ,I don’t have a net let alone net practicing.

As all broke into a new wave of laughter, the pulchritudinous moon convivially beamed in the dimmed background as if it was giving ratification to the whole episode…

Though several months have passed by, the impact of “The Net practice” remains as strong as ever. Not so much in the way one approaches life but more to do with the tremor it has created linguistically. An invaluable addition to our vocabulary which has changed the way we, friends, greet. ”Wassup” in Gtalk has changed to “net practising?” and “hey” has changed to “net mila?” amongst others. As for me, I still remain committed to bunking the net practice. Be it the actual lawn tennis or…

And as I prepare for an awesome Sunday (tomorrow) in Kolkata, just ask yourselves..

Did you do your net practice today???

**customer- The nick I had got during Quanta at City Montessori School Lucknow for reasons unfathomable